So I'm not even sure how to begin blogging this. I'm sad. I don't know why. Everything is okay right now. Casey is getting a new truck this week. He saw it on the side of the road, called the guy, test drove it, went to the bank, got a loan, all within two days. I don't know, maybe I'm a little bit bitter. Maybe because my car is falling apart and he is just getting a new truck. Maybe because he was so motivated to get this truck but not anything else going on right now. I don't know. I just know that pretty much for the past week and a half, maybe two, I've been waking up depressed. Don't get me wrong, it's not the "I'm so depressed I don't want to leave the house" kind of depressed. It's just that nagging dissatisfaction with life. Maybe it's because my house is a wreck and so is my body. I've gained so much weight it's ridiculous. I don't know. I just can't get motivated to do anything. Visiting Austin was probably a TERRIBLE idea. I hate it here. I really do. The same old shit, every same damn day. And to top it off, I'm about to have an asthma attack. Great! I'm just not happy. I don't know how to fix it, either. Until later.
Yours always.

Maybe visiting Austin was a bad idea. Every day it seems like it gets harder to stay in this rinky-dink town. There are a few amazing people. I love my boyfriend more than anything. My best friend is here (even though she wants to move to Austin, too. And will probably end up moving to Kansas City with her "boyfriend"). My family is all here, well the parts that aren't in Miami...or Cuba. Yeah, I don't know. Today I looked at jobs on CraigsList in Austin. And yes, I could, if I wanted, transfer and be doing the SAME job in AUSTIN that I'm doing in RUSTON! Yeah, try and comprehend how incredibly frustrating that is. There are even welding jobs on CraigsList where it says "TIG is a plus" and that's what he does all the time! Man, I can't even begin to explain how frustrating it is. On one hand, I love Casey more than anything and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. And I don't think that we could do long distance, at least I couldn't. I would miss him too much. But on the other hand, I really hate this town. I'm so ready to get out and "spread my wings". I feel like I can't learn anything else in Ruston. It's time for a change. And what better city than Austin! I already have tons of friends there and a job that I could just jump right into. And probably with better pay and (from what Katie says) less drama. I just wish that Casey would decide that it's okay to be away from his Dad. He says all kinds of things when he gives reason why not to move, but I know that his Dad being alone is the main reason. He could find a job. His debt would be just the same here or there. But, if he could find an even better paying job he could double up on his current debt. I don't know. I mean, in my mind, there's no choice. I have to stay with Casey. Because I know that if I moved without him I would be way worse off than just staying with him in Ruston. And man, the makeup opportunities in Austin...phew, WAAAAAY better than in Ruston! That's for sure. I may actually be able to get something started there, where here...it's just stagnant. UGH!!!!!
Sometimes I just want to scream. But I'm at work...so I can't. I just keep type, type, typin' away.
On a more positive note, I quit smoking three days ago. Yes, I haven't had a cigarette since Katie and I came back from Austin. I started the patch as well. And you know, it really helps. I still "want" one sometimes, but it's more the hand-to-mouth thing rather than a chemical craving. The patch takes care of all those awful withdrawal symptoms. No more headaches, nausea, irritability. I love it. It feels really great. I can't say that it's easy, because it's not. There are definitely times when I REALLY need a cigarette, but I try to occupy myself with something else and the craving goes away. It's definitely freeing to not be bound to cigarettes. One thing that has really helped is that Katie, my best friend, is quitting with me. Well not with me, we're quitting together. And that has been a HUGE help. And Casey has been really supportive too. Lots of sweet encouragement. I love that man.
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!
Hopefully it'll just be a quiet night tonight. Giant Cloud is playing at the downer tomorrow so I think Katie and I are going to go to that. And she's off today so hopefully we'll get to take a joy ride.
Well, I should go. I have a feeling my bosses will be coming in soon and if they see my blogging I'll get in trouble. Until later.
Yours always.

Day 1

1. glass ice water
2. glass ice water
3. glass ice water
4. glass ice water
5. glass room temp. water
6. cup green tea w/ lemon
7. half pint bottled water

6:27am
I had a fantastic weekend in my favorite city in the country and now I start my detox. Even though we ate vegan a good bit of the time, I still managed to put PLENTY of crap in my body. So today I cleanse. And I am happy about it. Really. I'm quitting smoking forever. I'm quitting drinking for a long time. I'm quitting eating shitty foods for a long time. I am excited to get healthy! I'm ready to be happy with my body. I'm ready to treat my body well.
This is my plan:

Days 1-3 - Water and green tea(sparingly) only
Days 4-6 - Organic juice, water, and green tea.
Days 5-8 - Add in raw veggies and fruit
Days 9-12 - Add in boiled/steamed chicken and fish
Days 12 on - Begin balanced diet


I'm excited!